Salubrious Life

The Special Mother

The Special Mother

By: Erma Bombeck

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice,
a few by social pressure and a couple by habit.

This year nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of handicapped children.
Did you ever wonder how these mothers are chosen?

Somehow I visualize God hovering over Earth
Selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation.
As he observes, he instructs his angels to take notes in a giant ledger.

"Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron Saint, Matthew."

"Forrest, Marjorie, daughter. Patron Saint, Celia."

"Rutledge, Carrie, twins. Patron Saint...give her Gerard. He's used to profanity."

Finally he passes a name to an angel and smiles. "Give her a handicapped child."
The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."

"Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a handicapped child a mother who knows no laughter? That would be cruel."

"But does she have the patience?" asks the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience, or she'll drown in a sea of self-pity and despair.  Once the shock and resentment wear off she'll handle it."

"I watched her today.  She has that sense of self and independence so rare and so necessary in a mother.  You see, the child I'm going to give her has a world of it's own.   She has to make it live in her world, and that's not going to be easy."

"But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."
God smiles. "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness."  The angel gasps, "Selfishness? Is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she will never survive.   Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect.
She doesn't know it yet, but she is to be envied.
She will never take for granted a spoken word.
She will never consider a step ordinary.
When her child says momma for the first time, she will be witness to a miracle and know it.

I will permit her to see clearly the things I see--ignorance, cruelty,
prejudice--and allow her to rise above them.
She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life
Because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by My side."

"And what about her Patron Saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in the air.

God smiles.   "A mirror will suffice."

The art of (having your kids) do nothing

Sitting at my Son's soccer game a couple Saturday's back, I listened to a woman describe her two children's schedules to another set of Soccer parents.

She went on for what seemed like hours, listing the various activities that she and her husband ferry the kids back and forth to.  Piano, Math club, dance, hockey in winter, soccer and baseball in summer.  One of her kids was a master Horse rider, the other a champ at lacrosse.  Not to mention homework, play dates, sleep overs, school functions.

What's worse, rather than sounding exhausted herself........she seemed to be bragging.

What's to brag about????  Her life seemed utterly out of control to me.  Who's running the asylum?

What is up with parents and societies that feel the more a child does, the busier we keep them - the more accomplished we are?   Are we projecting our competitive need for accomplishment on our children?

I have a friend who is still dealing with the guilt she feels about not allowing one of her sons to do a fourth sport because it took too much out of her to get him to games at 4AM.   Guilt???  I take my hat off to her.  Now she's only running around 18 hours a day.

My husband and I have long felt out of place in over-achieving New England due to our polar opposite viewpoints on how to schedule our minimal free time. Down-time,  quiet family time spent reading or just horse-playing.  How about watching a movie together snuggled up on the couch covered in blankets and munching popcorn? (Shock, horror, yes we have on-demand.....)

One of our children is too young (we feel) to be in any organized activity outside of pre-school, while so many of his little friends are already heavily commited to things. Our older child is involved in one sport, that's it.  With two practices and a game per week......none of us (including him) want to commit to more.

I would miss the spontaneity of seeing what happens with the day if it were all so scheduled.  What about the creativity it takes to "make-up" things to do?

And when questioned by curious parents as to the kind of things my kids are involved in, I proudly say "just soccer and actually, just the older one."  Stunned silence.  What I really want to add is  "We enjoy our children, we like to spend time with them"

I was relieved to read a piece in Sunday's New York times about this very phenomenon.  That grass roots organizations are springing up protesting the overload of activities that take away from quality family time.

www.puttingfamilyfirst.org,  www.balance4success.org and  www.readysetrelax.org have sprung up as testament to the fact that perhaps families need to take back some time for themselves. 

As I took my attention away from the brag-a-docious Soccer Mom and watched my glorious son scoot down the field with his team-mates, I felt at peace with my choices for family.    Quiet day ahead with plenty of time for who knows what?

OM: Meditation becoming more widely accepted

A recently written article in the Boston Globe indicated that more than 60 percent of companies offer wellness programs, up from 53 percent in 2001, and one-third of workplaces offer acupuncture or coverage for this treatment, up from 18 percent five years ago. Workplace Meditation statistics are still not available, but we can only imagine that it is becoming more accepted as part of these other alternative wellness and therapy programs.

Meditation is a directed concentration and involves focusing your awareness on a direct object: your breath, a phrase or word (ie. mantra), or an image in your own eye.  Some of the benefits of meditation include:

1. Restructuring of the mind in order to detach the self from thoughts that cause emotional swings.

2. Increase Attention Span and reorganize thought processes

3. Greater mindfulness

4. Lower blood pressure

5. Decreased heart and respiratory rates

6. Increased blood flow

7. Enhancement of immune function

8. Relief of chronic pain due to arthritis and other disorders

Meditation in your area can be found by looking online or by asking your local yoga instructor or alternative medicine educator.   

Fast Pass or Cash Only – should we be given a choice?

I was driving on the Mass Pike into Boston this morning, as were thousands of other cars.  There was so much traffic on the pike that I began to wonder if maybe there was an accident further ahead.  As I got a closer toward the $1.00 toll, with my $1.00 in hand, I realized the traffic buildup was not due to an accident, but due to so many people trying to move into the fast pass lane.  The several lines for the fast pass lane were dreadfully long, and the few “cash only” lines were absolutely empty.  I thought to myself: Even if I were a registered driver for fast pass, I would’ve still opted for the cash only lane this morning.  With the majority of people intending to get somewhere faster in the morning, is the Fast Pass/EZ-Pass really making it faster and easier?  I wonder if some of the morning commuters who already have a monthly fast-pass payment do occasionally pull out a dollar bill from their wallets just to save time…and frustration.  OR, would it be easier to not be given a choice at all?  This would certainly free up congestion that happens now when cars have to quickly shift into the appropriate fast pass or cash only lane.

Too many options are increasingly creating much of the congestion and confusion today.  This same dilemma goes for snail mail versus Internet.  As technology, society and the service industry all continue to get more innovative and efficient, will the outdated alternatives just create more overall confusion, indecision, and congestion?  Maybe it would it be best if I signed up for the fast-pass device afterall and help free up the highway commute and facilitate steady, constant lanes without having the hesitation as to which lane to weave into at the onset of a toll. 

Stress and Performance: Are you a racehorse or a turtle?

It’s tax season.  The April 15^th deadline is coming upon us, and many of us scramble to detail our finances, organize our files, collect receipts, and endlessly stare at an excel spreadsheet filled with numbers piled up from the last 12 months of heating bills, gas mileage, mortgages, charitable donations, and other such items.  Every year we promise ourselves earlier preparation, but every year we end up waiting until the week before.  Sound familiar?  Do you wait until the last minute?  Do you perform better under pressure?

In a recent survey conducted by the Canadian Mental Health Association, 41% of respondents said that they feel as though workplace stress has a positive effect on their performance. This is up 30% from the same survey conducted 6 years ago. 

Depending on how we react to short-term stress, doing work under the pressure of an upcoming deadline can actually be a positive influence on performance level.  By activating the “stress mechanism,” often we fight through the stress and are compelled to action, suddenly given a high level of “psyched-up” energy in order to fulfill the task at hand…last minute. 

Everyone reacts differently to stress at any level, and much of this is genetic; Some people are born racehorses and others are born turtles.  The racehorses are less affected by physiological stressors.  The turtles, however,  “flight” in a stressful situation - their brain functioning shuts down, blood pressure increases, and all of this impedes his/her ability to perform. 

Waiting until the last minute is not a practice that everyone should adopt. While some may frame a stressful situation in a positive light, it would be important for others to plan accordingly, practice antianxiety techinques prior to an upcoming deadline, and be sure to start early to avoid any inevitable stressors.

What happened to discipline at the office?

In an article recently written in the Boston Globe, here were some astonishing research findings:

Office distractions eat up 2.1 hours a day for the average worker.

Employees devote an average of 11 minutes to a project before being distracted.

It takes workers 25 minutes to return to their task, if they return at all.

People switch activities every 3 minutes on average. 

Fifty five percent of 1,000 respondents in one survey said they check email messages either immediately or shortly after the message arrives.

Curbing these distractions in a highly stimulated, technologically advanced society has become overwhelmingly challenging.  It is probably hard for many of us to think back to what we did before we had many of these distractions eating up our work day. The most interesting part about this is that we are voluntarily interrupting ourselves most of the time; Perhaps it is our increasing lack of self-discipline to stay focused on a task for a long period of time, before hastily clicking our personal in-box, making a personal call, chatting with our cubicle neighbors, or doing anything else that may inhibit our work-place productivity. 

Practice Yoga: Find your consistent self

For those of you who practice yoga, you may have heard your teacher say "relax your body and move into the posture slowly with focused attention on yourself."  "Try to relax your thoughts."  "Use your breath as an anchor."  Such words are approaches taken to try and guide a student into creating a better mind/body connection, heightening one's awareness of the importance of the unity between the two in order to achieve better balance, even beyond the physical realm. 

As a yoga teacher myself, one of the most rewarding aspects of a class is viewing the students lying in savasana - trying to let go of the stresses of their day, appearing relaxed, trying to be "still."  While it may appear that the students are in a relaxed state, the teacher is not a mind reader and often the student's inner self is in an entirely different state. The mind has such a powerful influence over our being, it can easily thwart our ability to relax inwardly and enjoy the present moment of relaxation.  Our seemingly relaxed, unmoving outer body (and quite possibly breath) can in fact be the result of a nagging thought we cannot escape from.  It is in the awareness of these nagging thoughts and bringing oneself out of the distraction that is the true essence of a growing journey into the self-improved.

In a recently written article in Yoga Journal titled "Meditation in Motion" Judith Lasater explains, "As I pay attention to what arises, I learn to see myself and my reactions more clearly; as I see myself more clearly, I begin to understand that my reactions are habits that I can let go of. This process is at the core of spiritual practice."

As a consistent student of yoga practice, understanding what arises in any given yoga class and learning to let go, is the most rewarding part of my personal practice.  It can take years of practice to experience even a single class where both the outer self and the inner self are in sync, consistent with each other, and without a contradictory experience.  Take the time, be patient, and find your unified and consistent self.   

C'mon, let's be honest!

Laurence J. Peter amusingly once said, “As a matter of fact is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn't.

“Let’s be honest.”  “To be perfectly honest.”  “Honestly?”

How many times do you catch yourself using these words as prefaces to sentences that don’t necessarily need them?  Isn’t our intention to always be honest?  And if so, why do we feel the need to remind the listener of our honesty?

“It is what it is” is another one of those phrases that manage to sneak into our communication on a regular basis when it really doesn’t make all that much sense.  It is what it is?  Sometimes “it is what it is” can be true.  But often it is used accidentally by habit and/or used when it’s not really the answer.  Sometimes this is a passive or lazy way to write something off as being beyond our control, when in fact, it is very much in our control to change or modify. 

What other quirky clichés can you think of that creep into our cruise control communication without us really thinking about what we are actually saying? It’s amusing. 

Yoga Sport?

An article written in the Boston Globe discussing the competitive edge in the Olympic Games stated: If two athletes are equally fit, the edge often goes to the one with the better emotional skills - not a do-or-die focus on winning but a set of habits that all of us can learn, including positive self talk,' maintaining an energy level that is neither too excited nor too relaxed, and most important, a Buddhist-like ability to focus on the moment at hand - on the particular breath, stroke, turn.

According to the Merriam Webster dictionary definition, YOGA in Sanskrit literally means yoking.  Further, it is a “Hindu theistic philosophy teaching the suppression of all activity of Body, Mind, and Will in order that the self may realize its distinction from them and attain liberation.”  More to the point, it is “a system of exercises for attaining bodily or mental control and well-being.”

It is clear that many people cultivate mind, body and spiritual awareness in the sports they practice.  So would it not be fair to consider yoga a sport? 

Traditionally, yoga is a practice that combines breathing techniques and concentration with a series of physical postures, called asanas. According to the 8-Limb path of yoga, written down by Patanjali thousands of years ago, there are many other elements to complete the system of yoga.  They include aspects like non-violence, trust and honesty, non-stealing, non-lust, and non-possessiveness.  Also elements like purity, contentment, austerity, study and devotion.

Does one not practice these elements in other forms of exercise that are considered SPORTS?  Athletes may refer to some of the yogic elements as perhaps "psychological systems."  But ultimately, athletes and yogis alike are referring to the same thing: unity of body, mind and spirit.  Why not, then, yoga sport?  And why not, perhaps, an Olympic Sport someday?

New Year and a time for Change?

A new year.  Fresh Slate and a time to make clean beginnings.  I'm a pretty literal thinker, I need a "real" beginning" in order to make changes of a lasting nature. 

I'm a New Year's resolutions kind of person.  In 2005 I made my resolutions rather large ones.  As a result, they were termed BHAG's  (Big Hairy Audacious Goals).  I had 6.   All but one was achieved.  (hint:  lose 10 pounds now moves to the 2006 list but becomes "lose 15 pounds')

This year I'm making my resolutions more subtle.  Gentle tweaks to an already good life.  No enormous challenges for 2006.  No huge mountains to climb - but actually the harder work of making the things I do even better.

I'm going to focus on family.  I do a pretty good job already, but I'm planning on notching it up. I want to try and remove some of the distractions that are unimportant. The things that I don't really need to be doing that take up time.  I want to be on top of my game and attend most of those school concerts, plays, parent coffee's that help connect me even further to the children I adore.

This year I'm promising myself to read more. To always have a book with me so as not to waste time on phone calls and other things when I could be feeding my brain when a free block of time occurs.  I'm keeping a list of books I want to read close at hand.

I'm going to entertain more.  Bring friends into my home to share the warmth that exists here.  Make time from a busy life to laugh and grow with good friends and new ones.

I'm going to develop one new skill (tbd), I'm finally going to learn excel, I'm going to try snowboarding with my twelve year old and.........yes...I'm going to shake those 15 pounds if I can find the time................